upside down

You know when you're a new mom and you think ahead to all the wonderful things you hope your kid will be able to do someday? You have grand visions that one day your child will walk at eight months, say her first sentence when she's a year old, know the ABC's at 18 months, and when she's two she'll wow all the mothers at the playground by rattling off all the states and their capitals.

I had those grand visions for my children. But then we found out when Abby was 18 months old she had fluid in her ears that was causing hearing loss and a delay in her speech development. We got that taken care of and then started her with speech therapy. Suddenly those lofty ideals dropped down to "I just want my child to be caught up with her peers."

But then after 6 months of therapy we realized she wasn't catching up. She was advanced in every other way except in communication, and we were doing all that we could to help her improve. Then our speech therapists asked if we were sure she could hear. "Sure, we were sure." And we rattled off all the things we saw her do that made us believe that she could hear. I SWEAR four or five months ago she could hear a plane in the sky and tell us before we could even see it. I KNOW she could hear a dog barking in a house as we passed by. And we had "tests" to back it up. She passed her hearing screening after she got tubes put in. But then she had another hearing screen in April and she didn't do too hot. So we went back a week later and re-tested her, and that screen put her back in the normal range. All so confusing and not concrete. But in the past few months it seems that she hasn't been as alert to the sounds around her. And even worse, she stopped turning to us when we called her name.

So today we took her to to get an ABR (Auditory Brainstem Response Test) to figure out her hearing once and for all, and the test results were pretty depressing. In her left ear, she has a 40 decible hearing loss in the 500 MHz to the 4000 MHz range. And in her right ear, she has a 40 decible loss in the 500 range and then it declines to a 60 db loss in the 2000 range and then it goes off the charts at 4000 MHz. All of this means, that she has a mild loss in her left ear, and in her right ear, she has a mild loss in the normal speech range and has a profound loss in the high frequencies, which means she can't hear ANYTHING high pitched in her right ear.

I've been preparing myself for the news that she would have some sort of hearing loss, but I had no idea that it would be this bad. And I'm afraid that she has lost a great portion of her hearing in the past 6 months to a year and that's very discouraging to me. We have no idea what is going to happen to her hearing. It could stay this way for a long time, or she could lose all of her hearing quickly. And the same goes for Carter. We have no idea, and that scares me.

So now we have two children with hearing loss. They will be getting hearing aids in the next couple of weeks, and we will be doing more MRIs, genetic tests and whatever else we need to do to get them the best care possible.

I know its not the end of the world that they are hearing impared. I can think of a lot worse challenges to have. But our world is turned upside down with this news, and things are never going to be the same. Our kids are smart, wonderful, adaptable kids, and they are going to be okay. And I think we'll be okay too. Just pray for us.